The rabbit lays on the floor and doesn't move. It's not dead. Sometimes there's a small twitch in its ears or legs. Its heart beats peacefully. The rabbit is in a coma.
*
It doesn't look that way but in my mind I'm searching, yearning, looking for something all the time. By default, I'm pretty stressed-out. I can't sleep long. I can't stay in one place long. I need a good-structured schedule. I cannot fall behind. Need to keep moving, need to be more productive, need to find the answers to all the unknown questions. Somehow, somewhere - oh, if I was just able to figure it all out - it must be possible to complete the puzzle; to reach somewhere further than this meager existence. It's always been like this. That peculiar feeling, a grasp of something more... but not quiet clever enough to even have the vaguest clue what is that I'm after. Sometimes I'll relax due to natural causes. These times are rare and short. Pretty soon I turn into a chased-down rabbit again. I tried working-out 5 times a week and taking poker dead-serious. Hiking helps until I get back home. Most the time I'm balancing on a thin edge (but I hide it well). Always the chased rabbit, never the hunter. Stuck forever in a sketchy scene, a lousy bad dream. Something's going on but I never have a clue. Waking up too early but, nevertheless, always too late. It doesn't matter where I'm or what I'm doing. Belgium, India, previous trips to Cambodia… Forever running away from my own shadow, never content, always convinced that there's something more just behind the next bend in the road. If I could do everything right just this once…
That's how I struggle through my days. At least, it was until a few days ago. In my little room in Snooky, I'm living the life like I'm used to: books, movies, online poker, not going out so much, staying on my own most of the time. But something is different. I don't feel like running away. No bad dreams. No fear or pointless stress. I tend to sleep long, sober and well. The restlessness has seized (for now). Like one little piece of the puzzle clicked in place. It looks like I'll be here for a while. Still I don't know what it is that I hope to find. But it has to be here. Living on my own in Sihanoukville; I'm no longer scared of my own shadow. I wouldn't know where to run away to next. I want to stay. Right here, on my own. For once, I'm no longer a chased rabbit. Not haunted by the usual demons. I can't afford to do nothing indefinitely but this peace of mind is priceless. This is my place. At least, (for now) I'm (almost) sure it is.
*
The rabbit is in a deep sleep. Its heart beats peacefully, its ears and legs twitch occasionally. In its little rabbit-brain it dreams about Happy-Lucky-Little-Rabbit-Land. Sweet dreams in a happy place. But it knows. The rabbit knows. In the end here are only two ways out of here. One's darkness, the other… back on its pointless, restless run. Luckily the end is far away. Let the rabbit sleep. It does no harm. It doesn't bother anyone.
No comments:
Post a Comment