Homesick

The Sarai Rohilla train station in Delhi is swarming with people. It's ten past eight in the morning. I clench a train ticket to Jaipur in my fist but got no clue what to do. Someone points me in the direction of platform 1, by far the busiest of the overcrowded station. I sigh and join the flock.
As soon as the train rolls in, the crowd starts pushing in all directions. I can't figure out witch carriage I should enter. People keep pushing. My heart's pounding, my hands are trembling. I tend to get anxious in groups of more than two. This is not going well. Panic is rising. I want to evaporate. Fuck this country! I could be sitting on a beach but instead I'm swallowed up by a sea of people. Panic is taking over. In my mind I'm screaming and crying but my body is simply moving around according the pressure of the swarm. Maybe I should just let this train go by and return to Paharganj. Flights to Bangkok are cheap from here. But foolish stubbornness forces me to get a hold of myself. I start showing my ticket to the masses. The responses are mixed. Some point me to the front end of the train, others to the back. A lot of people just give me blank stares. More by luck than anything else I finally find the right carriage. Of course, by this time the whole damned thing is completely filled with people, bags, crying kids, suitcases and more people. I squeeze through the crowd only to find out that my numbered seat is taken by about 3.5 Indians. Waving and pointing witch my ticket results in getting a few centimeters of space on the bench. With my big backpack crammed between my legs and holding my small bag in my arms I will remain immobile for the next 5 hours. I'm dying inside. It doesn't take long before the swarm starts smelling. Too many phones play music at max volume, a few people watch loud movies on battered laptops. I can barely breath. It's a slow, painful and extremely unpleasant journey. I hang on by dreaming about the beach. Tired, hungry and dizzy I get of the train in Jaipur. As soon as my feet hit the platform I get swallowed by another swarm. Rickshaw drivers besiege me from all sides. The edge is near. I want out. But I got absolutely nowhere to go. Jaipur is a big city in the middle of the desert. The noise, smell and lack of personal space hit me hard. I pick a random rickshaw driver and repeat the name of my guesthouse of choice until he shuts his mouth and starts driving. I end up in Atithi Guesthouse. It looks fancy but it's overpriced. The lack of a grill in front of my second floor window will keep me worried every second I stay in this stinky, crowded town. Paranoia and anxiety hold me in a tight grip.
But hey, on the bright side, I survived my first (and last?) Indian train ride and found myself a room. After a shower I do an attempt to enjoy a relaxing sunset on the rooftop terrace but the evening cold is too much to handle. So I return to my room, get under the blankets and hide away from this awful place 'til morning.

The next day I decide to be strong and check out the sights. After all, this is supposed to be an awesome place according Lonely Planet. But as soon as I leave the guesthouse the swarm swallows me again. A small army of rickshaw drivers surrounds me, negotiating a price, getting driven to shops where I don't want to be and tumbling from the city swarm in the tourist swarm and back again. I truly, deeply despise this place. As soon as the morning cold disappears, the suns starts burning. Fuck this fucking desert! I do visit the highlights of the area but I couldn't care less. While India is torturing my senses I'm dreaming about palm trees, sunny beaches and driving a motorbike down an abandoned road near the sea…

Fuck it, I've always denied being an adventurer or a traveller. My life in Brussels wasn't working out so I came looking for a better place, a spot in the sun where I could shine. Or, more accurately, where the sun could shine on me. Whatever, this place ain't it. I don't think I'll last here much longer. Everyone told me India was dirty, noisy and busy. They were right. Everyone also told me you'll get scammed, robbed and sick in India…

I've got a little pride left that forces me to travel on for now. Although I must admit that a cold Chang beer and a hotdog on Khao San Road, the morning bus to Trat, crossing the border at Koh Kong and just go back once and for all sounds like a fucking awesome plan. I've spend so much time and effort trying to stay away. Maybe I should just accept that I already found my home in the sun a long time ago...