Rabbit In A Coma

The rabbit lays on the floor and doesn't move. It's not dead. Sometimes there's a small twitch in its ears or legs. Its heart beats peacefully. The rabbit is in a coma.

*

It doesn't look that way but in my mind I'm searching, yearning, looking for something all the time. By default, I'm pretty stressed-out. I can't sleep long. I can't stay in one place long. I need a good-structured schedule. I cannot fall behind. Need to keep moving, need to be more productive, need to find the answers to all the unknown questions. Somehow, somewhere - oh, if I was just able to figure it all out - it must be possible to complete the puzzle; to reach somewhere further than this meager existence. It's always been like this. That peculiar feeling, a grasp of something more... but not quiet clever enough to even have the vaguest clue what is that I'm after. Sometimes I'll relax due to natural causes. These times are rare and short. Pretty soon I turn into a chased-down rabbit again. I tried working-out 5 times a week and taking poker dead-serious. Hiking helps until I get back home. Most the time I'm balancing on a thin edge (but I hide it well). Always the chased rabbit, never the hunter. Stuck forever in a sketchy scene, a lousy bad dream. Something's going on but I never have a clue. Waking up too early but, nevertheless, always too late. It doesn't matter where I'm or what I'm doing. Belgium, India, previous trips to Cambodia… Forever running away from my own shadow, never content, always convinced that there's something more just behind the next bend in the road. If I could do everything right just this once…
That's how I struggle through my days. At least, it was until a few days ago. In my little room in Snooky, I'm living the life like I'm used to: books, movies, online poker, not going out so much, staying on my own most of the time. But something is different. I don't feel like running away. No bad dreams. No fear or pointless stress. I tend to sleep long, sober and well. The restlessness has seized (for now). Like one little piece of the puzzle clicked in place. It looks like I'll be here for a while. Still I don't know what it is that I hope to find. But it has to be here. Living on my own in Sihanoukville; I'm no longer scared of my own shadow. I wouldn't know where to run away to next. I want to stay. Right here, on my own. For once, I'm no longer a chased rabbit. Not haunted by the usual demons. I can't afford to do nothing indefinitely but this peace of mind is priceless. This is my place. At least, (for now) I'm (almost) sure it is.

*

The rabbit is in a deep sleep. Its heart beats peacefully, its ears and legs twitch occasionally. In its little rabbit-brain it dreams about Happy-Lucky-Little-Rabbit-Land. Sweet dreams in a happy place. But it knows. The rabbit knows. In the end here are only two ways out of here. One's darkness, the other… back on its pointless, restless run. Luckily the end is far away. Let the rabbit sleep. It does no harm. It doesn't bother anyone.

Out Of The Loop

The day job is done. For almost seven years it was an easy way to make an honest living. I've hated it at times of course, had some fun now and then and was ever grateful for the paychecks, benefits and paid holidays. It was easy, safe and boring work. No alarms and no surprises. A steady live slowly driving me insane. Today I reassured my supervisors that I will be back next year. Sure, I'll be back (but only if all else fails).

My final departure turned out just like my work presence; uneventful and largely unnoticed. A few colleagues took the time for a handshake and goodbyes. Then I got in my car and drove away. I strangled the brain dead dodo on my way home. I'm out. I'm free.

Fuck, yeah! I'm out! I'm free! Out of the rat race! Away with the way of the dodo! I ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more

No more underachieving and hiding from life in front of the TV. I'll be gone in 5 days… Real gone. Heading to India, at last. It's been over a decade since this idea first crossed my mind. I was eating felafel, late at night on the beach front boulevard in Tel Aviv, together with an Italian girl. I was madly in love with her. We had spend a few weeks drifting through the Middle East together. The next day she would fly back to Rome and I was to return to Brussels. Plans were made to meet again soon for a big journey through India…

Her Facebook profile tells me that she's married with children now. Me, I'm still dreaming about India. Still yearning for the road, still looking for beauty, searching for wisdom and hoping to find my place in the sun.

I don't need a wife or kids or a cosy family. I feel like I've already won. I've got the balls to walk away from this golden cage, dust off an old dream and get going. That's all I ever wanted. That's all I need.

The Great Escape

"Happy New Year and good luck to you!"

The call from Cambodia came through on New Year's Day. As if a single sunbeam bursted through the grey clouds to lighten up my day. The struggle is almost over. My time here is almost done. Only 17 days left on the day job. I still fail to explain exactly what it is that I'm going to do. Most of the time I mumble something vague:

"Backpacking in India, you know. For about a year. Something like that. I'm not really sure. Got a one-way ticket and a little bit of savings. Maybe I'll visit some other countries too. Don't know much else, don't have much to say…"

But that's just because I'm a shy, anxious dude who wants to dissolve into thin air every time someone asks me a personal question. Otherwise I would tell you all about avoiding the way of the dodo, about the Great Escape. About my hopes and dreams, the search for a better place and a happier, more fulfilling live. There is more than grey, old Brussels. I'm done with staring at the shadows on the wall. I don't want to fade away in a boring job, a lonely live, lousy movies on tv and too much cheap beer. That's why I have to leave. That's why I have to get out. Everyday I stay in this room, the borders of my own limitations are vastly expanding. But it doesn't have to go down like this. I don't have to be a shy and anxious man. I can do better.

So this is me doing something. This is about being my own dog. About my humble attempts to become a better man and, why not, make the world a better place in the process.
Oh, and also about India, of course.

No worries, this time I got it all figured out.
My master plan makes perfect sense.
Or, at least, I know it will
Once I get out of here…

The Easy Life

Life's smooth once you know what you're looking for.
I've been back on the day job for about a week. The days go by at a leisurely pace. This time no one's going to get me of my cloud.

It's all about the outlook.
My hopes and dreams make me dance through my days.
This time I'm only passing through.
Everyday I go to work my travel bankroll grows.
Everyday I go to work I get closer to departure day.
Everyday I got to work I strive to be awesome at my job... It's better that way. There's no point in doing things I don't like. No reason to complain. Done with being stressed and unhappy. This town can use more friendliness. Life's a lot better with a smile on your face.

Well, technically I'm still sort of on hold. It might take another few weeks before my sabbatical gets approved (or denied, but let's store those dark thoughts far away). For now, it feels like there's not much I can do. Show up for work everyday, be awesome, come home and save money (by staying home).
That's perfectly alright.
The easy life.

Escape Of The Brain Dead Dodo

Often it's starts with nothing but a distant dream. Most of the time that is all it ever is. Something to think about when stuck in traffic. A silly daydream about doing it differently. Escaping the rat race. A life of adventure. A life in the sun. Whatever. There's always someplace better than here. Everybody's dreaming about something.

My dream lingered on for years.
Ever since I settled in a quiet life with a job and a wife.
Then, one autumn day, the wife left.
Life became really quiet. Got scared of that big, evil world out there. Never going to leave this town. It's all nice and safe. An easy day job and a comfortable, solitary life. Simple and easy. Maybe one day I'll retire in the sun...

Just a few weeks ago I started seeing things in a different light. This country is not doing me any good. It's too damn smooth and easy. No one seems to realize how lucky they are. Everybody has everything but we still just want more...

Jumping around like brain dead dodos in a golden cage
Don't know about you but I want out. Can't breath in here anymore. Its so easy to spend a life time waiting for a dream. But the only way to make a difference is trough action...

So today I went to see my boss to talk about a sabbatical.
(Boom!)

Papers signed, documents filed.
I like my odds on this one