Every night the dreams are the same. I'm running or driving but always panicking. Eventually I fall into a dark void. While thumbling down into nothingness I realize this must be nothing but a dream. Relieved I open my eyes. Now I'm in bed in Brussels. Grey European light creeps through closed curtains. I get out of bed and walk around the big, quiet apartment. Somehow I came back but I don't understand how or why. There must be some kind of mistake. I don't belong here. My head spins. I try to scream but there's no sound. Blind, wild fear has got me by the balls. My soul gets crushed under the weight of another twenty years of European boredom. I can't do this. This must be another nightmare, right? Suddenly I open my eyes and I'm wide awake. For real this time. I feel the heat, the familiar sounds of a spinning fan and howling dogs, the stickiness of my skin. Relieved, I take a deep breath. It's just a bad dream.
On the last day of Khmer New Year I went to the temple to burn incense and pray for good luck. Although I'm not a religious man, I've got a deep interest in Buddhism and I enjoy the peaceful, happy vibe in Buddhist temples. Incense, bananas, smiling monks and colorful Buddha statues; it's always a happy time. I like it here. All my Christian guilt is slowly dissolving into thin air. I'm almost free.
A few days ago almost 1000 US Navy personnel from the USS Blue Ridge got shore leave here in Sihanoukville. It's funny how every single cliché about US soldiers on R&R turns out to be true. They roamed the beaches, bars and casinos like wild, horny dogs. I heard buses full of Phnom Penh working girls sped down on Highway 4 to get a piece of the pie. Clueless about the dollar-value in this place the US Army made countless business-owners, tuk-tuk-drivers and street sellers incredible happy. The professional girlfriends had the time of there life. It was so damn busy that after the first night I just stayed home. Nevertheless, happy nights for the local economy. Thank you USA and please come again! Anyway, with the USS Blue Ridge back out on the sea, Sihanoukville is quiet as ever. Hot days are followed by the first burst of rain. The barang retirees are planning visits to family back home, business owners who can afford it close down for a few months. Those who stay are waiting for the rains.
It has been three months since I left Brussels. To celebrate I bought a bottle of Jack Daniels, an extra-large coolbox and a set of two chairs and a table. Then I spend all day cleaning and asked the landlord about discounts for long-term tenants. Staying away is far more important than traveling to new places. Besides, everything I want or need is right here. Of course, life's a constant struggle with my limitations and my tendencies (just like it would be anywhere else in the world). But, unlike anywhere else, a lot of the time I feel really happy here.
Confident,
at ease,
at home...
Until next time;
Greetings from Sihanoukville!
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